No man will ever be able to truly accept his Mortality; Fear is too innate, too inherent in us (not that it hasn't served us well as a primal instinct), and Death is too unavoidable, too inevitable.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unstoppable. Fear of the unpredictable. Fear of the vast cosmos that is emptiness, of one's unbecoming, of one's demise. The insecurity that comes with helplessness. The grief that comes with hopelessness.

We do not experience this fear every day, only because we've learned to live with it, to lift ourselves off against the gravity of our circumstance. We've learned to stop ourselves from thinking, from speculating a back-story for a face in the obituaries. We've learned to distract ourselves with such efficacy that we seldom, if ever, think of our own deaths even at another's funeral. This is why society is so passive, ignorant, naive and unfocused.

But when we do decide, albeit often hesitantly, to plunge into the dark abyss of our neglected subconscious, one can only find great Despair. This Great Fear is oft overwhelming, traumatising, disorienting. To the brazen, all that awaits is more Despair. Hopeful prospects are lost as one, for brief seconds, looks from the eyes of God upon Man, and weeps at the futility that is Humanity. This is the process of an awakening, The Awakening, and not all survive.

It thus follows naturally, under the equilibrium that governs all, that an antithesis or a rejection is cast into play. Thusly, all Happiness and Identity are the Denial of Mortality.

Happiness is the overcoming of aforementioned fear: the classic "living life to the fullest", the personification of optimism, the one power that seemingly triumphs over Death itself. A smile, a laugh. Satisfaction, comfort, joy. Death becomes secondary in the minds of the happy-

but only because it is a denial. Happiness is living in spite of mortality. Happiness is the very quintessence of the rejection of nonpermanence. In massive omission of one's humanness, even if momentary, one feels an emotion so familiar it would be unnerving to name it a defiance to inevitability. We are so happy in our lives because we are so competent at evading our massive shortcoming; those incompetent have probably already passed. Happiness becomes second-nature, as does ignorance. Don't they say "Ignorance is bliss"? Hope, Desire and Expectation are all had in blatant dismissal of one's humanity. Faith and Religion an outright rejection of mortality. All positive emotion is created in remedious reaction to the prospect of dissolution.

Names, Status, Affluence, Beauty, Culture and even simple Clothing. All these are affirmations of Identity, a Variety of standards that affirms oneself of irreplaceability. All these are the focus of attention and effort in the modern world. All these are denials; all forms of Differentiation are forms of weary nonacceptance of one unspoken fact: Death is the Great Equaliser, the Great Leveller. All is equal before the throne that is Death. All discernment is a meek protest against the power that is Death. After all, it is said, "After the game, the king and pawn go back into the same box".

Even Love itself is a denial of mortality. "The moment we indulge our affections, the earth is metamorphosed, there is no winter and no night; all tragedies, all ennuis, vanish, all duties even". (Emerson) Why? Why is love the ultimate refusal of mortality, and how?

Love is putting complete trust in one other, the mutual relation between two that extends to none other, a (if I may say so) symbiotic relation where one is infinitely special and unique to another, and so in return. Differentiation. In the same way men lust for power to satisfy their hunger for distinction and hence immortality, love is by far the more feasible option: it is more accessible to even the average person, in that it does not necessitate the negation of another's free will, which many are too cowardly to do, and neither does it carry with it the colossal responsibility that is leadership, which many are unwilling to take. Why else do they say "All's fair in Love and War"? Simply because love offers a somewhat similar degree of satisfaction to power: the illusion that one is immune to Death's power to erase your very memory, the repudiation of morbid quality achieved via another. Love is the mutual white lie: one matters.

Love is the sharing of lives, the destruction of barriers to thought-communication. Well. This is a selfish instinct to preserve the essence of oneself in another, in a vain and futile hope of continuation, of permanence. Why do we mourn our loved ones? Is it not because when they pass, part of ourselves die with them? Indeed. It is because our memory dies with them. We mourn the passing of ourselves in others, and bemoan the loss of our hope for immortality (kinda like a Horcrux). Wouldn't you prefer to die before your lover? Would you not give the world, or even your life to preserve your lover's life, or rather, such significant investment of memory? Love is driven by the desperate hope for self-preservation, in the knowledge of one's own mortality.

Do you see now? The entire society is shaped and created around Mankind's refusal to accept his own Mortality. Society is a giant system constantly mutually deceiving each other that they may be returned the favour. It is a collection of lost souls huddled together for what little warmth they may find in the unforgiving darkness. Society, created by Man, is but a pacifier for himself who dies but an infant in thought. All is denial.

Of course, all this is not to say that denial isn't good. Denial is good sometimes, but usually only when personal survival is concerned, like denying a crime, or a costly favour. Our aptitude (and perhaps even penchant) for denial is legendary and to be accredited for much. What is important is the subject of denial. Ignorance, the denial of knowledge, should be a cardinal sin. The cowardice behind not knowing is an insult to the thinking mind (insert Galileo quote here), not to mention a terrible shame.

Personally, mortality brings colour. Vibrancy. Vigor. Death is an honour. To be honest, on worse days I crumple at the prospect of my own demise, partially out of fear but also regret, but with clearer skies, I am able to see life as it is: a drama, a play. Life acts itself out as a script, writ from the start by none other than Circumstance. To live forever would be boring; better to act an interesting character, play the part well, and master the audience, don't you think? Quoth Dorian Gray, "but I am glad you don't think I am heartless. I am nothing of the kind. I know I am not. And yet I must admit that this thing that has happened does not affect me as it should. It seems to be to be simply like a wonderful ending to a wonderful play. It has all the terrible beauty of a Greek tragedy, a tragedy in which I took a great part".

After all, to rise is glorious.

To fall is Divine.


"To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror; to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror." (Herbert)

Roll the red carpet,
Have the angels sing
For I will be Immortal.

I will be King.

Sometimes I feel this aching.

This itching, this cracking.

This ambition is killing me, devouring me from the inside.

Can't help but feel I'm meant for so much more. To approach, then parallel, then exceed the conquests of the greatest conquerors: Napoleon. Alexander. Caesar. To have the world shudder at the very thought of my name, like Mao or Hitler. To carry the fate of an empire in the palm of my hand. To control life and death, right and wrong. To judge and persecute. To destroy and create. To be a part of, and be responsible for, a whole new world, perfect and righteous. To be the god of the time.

Sometimes I get this urge, this unparalleled yearning for greatness. This desire to change. Everything.

Yet trapped I am. I am only human. Encumbered by a rotting society that recognises all the wrong things. That rewards passivity and punishes progress. That prioritises meek survival over excellence. Stagnancy over change. Non-compliance over organisation. Stupidity over true leadership.

Sometimes I feel such rage. Such anguish. Such despair.

Why do people not share my dream?

Has our innate hypocrisy finally turned us against ourselves?

What must I do from here to realise this vision?

My contribution to the world will be more than mere charity or generosity; it will be complete and revolutionary change. I will rise, and I will conquer. I will destroy, and I will create anew. I will triumph, and I will remain. Ordo Chao. Vita More.

Deus Homine.


Hmm.

Pity.

These mood swings are coinciding with my periods of abstinence from chocolate! HOMG.

WHOA.

That's some emo shit back there!

But hello all (if any) once again! I.. I.. don't know what to say!

*stomp stomp*

Should really get around to actually doing schoolwork instead of futzing around on facebook, blogger and twitter. Hmm. Considering I'm really quite behind and my tutorials are all concentrated in one day.

Pshaww, who cares!

Side note: stop listening to emo music about love and breakups; listen to BON JOVI (also about love and breakups but difficult to get emo with people moshing into stage front)



DAAAYUNG DAAAAAAAAAAYUNG

I think I'm going to die soon.

I will destroy everything.

Trust, Hope, Love. Why hold on to these pathetic, transient things?

Life itself is a hateful accident: void, hollow, empty.

I will destroy everything, and through destruction I will create purpose! I will create meaning!

I will create a monument to non-existence!

Azazyl

Stench of humanity,
The rot of those fair.
Despair!
Of lost sanity and
Dreams never there.