//when you wait and you wonder

Dear You.

This may not be the most creative of methods, but its been the oldest and the one that offers a better choice of words, so it will do. If you feel that this is just another stupid ex-lover's crazy obsession over what is long-gone, don't read what follows.

Well, tomorrow's Valentine's Day. You may be spending it with someone else, or you may not. You may be chatting, smiling, laughing, eating or having fun. But even though I won't be, its Valentine's after all, and I have a few things to say.

Its been this long, I think you're already desensitized to saddening sob-stories and clichéd confessions. After all, all that time I didn't know how to get you back, I trust I must've done more useless and rather stupid things than a lot of other people would in a lifetime. But nonetheless.

I understand you're happy. I've seen you so. You have friends, you have family, you have goals and things-to-do. You're occupied all the time but you're okay with it. You are the one who has everything, and I guess you don't want that changed.

But what if I told you I'd wait when you're busy, I'd make time when you're not. I'd do whatever you wished, because I can change myself from who I am now for that sole purpose of your attention.

Have you ever looked over your shoulder at a person, wondering if that person would look back? I have. Every time I look at you, I'm afraid you won't see me; I'm scared that you don't look back, because every time you do, I want you to see that you're still in my eyes. Every time I just hear you laugh, I don't want to look at you, because the feeling's really kinda terrible.

So please don't think I've given up. All this time, I never have. Because you're the sweetest person I've ever met. You're the nicest person around. You're the only person who is perfect in my eyes, every single part, and you're the only person who I genuinely want to waste the rest of my life with. There are just so many things I don't know how to say to you; you've always been rather cold in response. There are so many feelings I had that I couldn't bring myself to say earlier because I was too weak.

I want to look at you everyday and treasure you from the bottom of my heart. I want to be the one who makes sure that you smile each and every day. I want to be the person who catches you should you fall, and never, ever be the reason for it. I want to hug you until forever ends. And I want to see the sunshine in your eyes, stare right into them and tell you

'I love you'.

And hear your gentle reply, and smile.

I have dreamt day and night, and now I want to wake up knowing that a new day has arrived. I want to live, I want to breathe. I want to love you.

So please don't forget me. It seems like everything had just been a long, bad dream that I've woken up from, and I want to do something because I've come to realize everything. Remember the past; recall every day and know that we cannot relive, but we can revive. Give me a chance to atone for all those mistakes; give us a chance. Please. Say something.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Edit: Just remembered!

*during Bio lesson, Quah needs help.*
Quah: *raises hand* Uh. Mrs Tan!
*Mrs Foo catches sight of him and stares*
*I burst into uncontrollable laughter*

I swear, Tan is seriously a terribly common surname, whoever we don't know we just call him/her Mr/Mrs Tan and we'll probably get it right. After all, we have three teachers by the name of Tan and one Tang. Tan = power! Because its range is from -infinity to infinity compared to sin and cos! HUR.

--

First of all, a quote from our dear Deputy Head Prefect.

'Also, I would like to remind the school not to U-turn over here *points somewhere* because there is a yellow box over there *points in same direction*.'

Oh, and to Joel and Gregory, both your SS topics are Hegemony. I'm a man of my word.

And of course, our dear Pei Yi deserves a few quotes as well.

Pei Yi: Oh yah, I know a friend, his cat drop down seven floors before!
Me: Huh? Then it survived? How?
Pei Yi: No, it died.

Pei Yi: You know 不入虎穴，焉得虎子, is because all the football clubs want to get the Tiger Cub(p)!

Okay okay, enough quotes. Today was a relatively boring day, only two slightly different periods were Literature and RE. We did the dramatization thing, and trust me, some groups were HILARIOUS. Really, credit to Anderson's group for Missus Furfux and John's brother Anus.

But I feel like bitching about a certain teacher. Really. No, its not just because she unwittingly ate at least half an hour into our lunch break, nor is it because of her insisting that she did tell us we were supposed to complete something today. When people presenting last time, she interrupt to add in her own points multiple times, I already got a bad impression. Then today Madam Tan (MH) did mention to the class that she intended to use our classroom for the lunchbreak so that she could finish her RE on time. Then,

*Madam Tan enters from back door*
Teacher: Oh hi Mrs Tan! *to us* Okay everyone stop for a while, I think Mrs Tan has an announcement to make!
Madam Tan: No lah no, I just need to use the classroom for RE-
Teacher: ..Oh sit down and watch lah! *beckons for her to sit down and for the groups to continue*

So Mrs Tan was like, stoning in the seat typing Math sums incessantly on her laptop as she waited for an opportunity to use the class. Like, seriously. Ugh. So evil! Can argue that Teacher never hear lah, but really, why else would Mrs Tan pop her head into the class half an hour into a 45-minute lunch break. Perhaps she could have the courtesy to ask? Hmm, just felt like bitching.

Then there was Guitar Practice. I swear, I was considering not turning up at all, and perhaps that would've been better. Not Jiheng's fault that he kept repeating what he wanted to say, waiting for them to quieten down to no avail, and being rather bothersome himself by making us play the same small section over and over again, but seriously. People at the back chattering. Altos mindlessly clanking. Diao Zheng strumming on his bleeding irritating guitar. And conductor cannot shout but trying to, no one listen, keep talking. Its like if someone kept making noise in the same room, and you're bearing with it but its really not easy. So for the first time in years, I raised my voice.

This is not a good day.

Okie, I was forced to upload a video of my dog by HUANG, so here it is.



*drinks ice lemon tea outside canteen*
Conscience: Hey! You can't do that!
Me: Why not?
Conscience: Because its bad. Its against the rules.
Me: Therefore?
Conscience: You can't do it because its against the rules.
Me: There. Rules were made in order to prevent the worst from happening, like how they ban drinks to prevent people from spilling it outside the canteen. I can assure you that I won't spill the drink, hence it is fine for me to take the drink out of the canteen.
Conscience: No matter what their purpose is, the rule is there, you can't break it.
Me: Rules are meant to be broken anyway! 'Sides, its implying that you can't spill drinks outside of the canteen, but you are encouraged to within the canteen compound.
Conscience: No, as I said, the rules are there in order to prevent all worst case scenarios, you blatantly defying it is already creating an opportunity.
Me: I already said, I am 100% sure I won't spill the drink, hence it is fine!
*violently throws drink on the ground*
Me: HEY. WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR.
Conscience: There, the worst happened.
Me: But you did it! Its none of my business! If you didn't intentionally do it I'd have been fine.
Conscience: But the worst case scenario happened, and you assured me that you were 100% sure that it wouldn't, without exception, including my intervention.
Me: That's unfair!
Conscience: Whether or not its unfair, the worst case scenario happened, and you were proved to be blatantly lying in your assurance, hence you're in the wrong.
Me: YOU-
Conscience: Clean it up, boy.


As I said, today was relatively uneventful, including the ever-dreaded Math TA which I fared rather well in, SS where the word 'hegemony' came under much debate, if I may quote,

RTYJ: What's the meaning of hegemony?
Suwe: Uh. Harmony!
Quah interrupts: Domination over another faction.
RTYJ: Harmony your HEAD lah!

And to those 4C people reading the blog, pl0x think about the SS topics by tomorrow recess, because I probably have to hand it up to her whether I like it or not. Otherwise I'll put the unlisted ones as 'Hegemony'.

And of course there was the beloved Higher Chinese. Actually, Sir Tan is quite a good person lah. He's just a bit evil, that's all. His friend died over the weekend still come to school and teach. And if you actually stay awake to listen to what he says, sometimes its quite interesting. Its like storytelling. Which reminds me, today he was telling us about this 曾国藩 guy who, although was a terrible bastard, mass murdering 200,000 soldiers who surrendered to him, but still displayed strong will in abstaining from vices like opium and weiqi (?). Goes against my motto, but still. When he told us about the murders a line from my favorite book was ringing in my head. 'To be popular, one must be a mediocrity'.

Watched two movies recently, in the time I wasn't occupied in my ever-addictive hobby of computer gaming. First was Bruce Almighty. Two quotes struck me.

Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we?
Bruce: [New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?
Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.

Oh wait, its a different one.

Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.
God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

And of course.

God: Parting your soup is not a miracle Bruce, it's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

Inspirational. I swear the movie kinda moved me. Quite a lot. Hmm. I will be talking about the other one next time though, I'm rather tired and I'm supposed to be gone for archery. Bye all!

Short post; I have to get back to my game.

Why is it that the people I hate the most are liars and traitors? Do I not play a sadistic role myself? Well. Simply because I do to others what the world does to them. Circumstance, Time and Society war with the human soul, withering it, devouring it. They pay no heed to the theory of mercy.

But on the other hand, the world neither lies nor betrays. The world merely provides a platform for us to deceive and betray ourselves. It is absurd how people cheat belief and twist hopes.

And surprise! I am a Literature student who doesn't have much interest in reading. Why? Because I appreciate only the beauty of the idea, the charm of wit. I obtain my 'reading pleasure' from the selective quotes I find fitting. After all, if a picture paints a thousand words, I've read more than my fair share in my lifetime so far.

Putting that aside, it seems that my mother also remembers the person who has "one son in RI and another son in Hwa Chong" who has, once again, as he has at every parent briefing talk for the past three/four years, brought up the stressful lifestyle of RI and how his HCI boy is "much happier". I mean. Whut?

Argh, so little to do, so much time. Time is of the essence, hence I shall get back to spending it on absolutely nothing. Au revoir!

*part 2*

Okie dokie, the rest of my family has gone out to play, or rather, watch the filmed version of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, leaving me alone at home. Its such a wonderful feeling. You can smash your head on the piano, or rip apart your brother's books, or prance around the house naked like a sugarplum fairy. Of which I did none, but let us put that aside.

Now, chewing fervently on a packet of Ruffles (sour cream and onion, to those interested), I am trying to recall the wonderful theories I came up with earlier today. All of which I have completely forgotten. What a shame. Ah, here's one!

No rest for the wicked, no wealth for the pure.

Ah, all the other pretty-sounding sentences that elude me. What a shame.

A few things to take note, I will probably be rescrambling the links and resolutions sidebar either tomorrow or sometime soon (don't be at the edge of your seat; knowing me, I probably won't come to it anytime soon if not today). I need a Math notebook, I need to fill up my SS notebook with meaningless, useless words like 'politics' and 'the UN', file some of my stuff and get started on my AEP work before Tuesday. Oh, dreaded Tuesday.

AH. And they should have like, American Idol, but for musicians. Like, guitar piano or whatever, or perhaps composers with original pieces. Then maybe the not-so-vocal society will finally have a say in things. (pun, pun!!1)

Alas, the time approaches for universal annihilation. Hence I say goodbye, and throw a thumbtack in the other direction so I may make a hasty exuent.

Okay, just finished reading Dorian Gray today. And I must say, its a rather brilliant book. I've changed my mind. Its great. I remember years ago I read it for recreation, but now when I read it again, it completely changed my mindset. Its been so long since I actually felt the remotest urge to touch a book, much less read it.

But really, right now I feel terrible. Even if I may not live forever, I grow terribly bored of the world I see. Every face, every room, every house, every tree, everything, and learning has lost its interest for me. It grows so terribly sickening. Now I find myself disgusted by the scents of the world. Every piece of music seems repetitive and uninteresting. Every conversation is barren of promise, and every second is wasted on frivolous small talk. School is boring. Friends are boring. Events are boring. The world is boring. Life is boring.

What a delight, and what a curiosity, regarding the people who spend their life not in the search of happiness, but of Pleasure. Those who are never happy, but are always satisfied. Those who are the servants of none but themselves.

There are so many wonders of the human imagination that cannot be brought to fruition. To watch an empire grow from scratch, or a forest fire at its best moments. Establishment and organization is for the insecure. It is the constant adaptation to vicious change that gives life its meaning.

And my personal motto: 'The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist, and the soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.'

Temporarily putting aside the possible homo-erotic themes in the book, as well as the long paragraphs regarding what he did with all his free time. I had recently realized that in the November adaptation of the Picture of Dorian Gray, the person playing Sir Henry Wotton is the one and only Colin Firth, who acted as Jack in another popular Wilde film, The Importance of Being Earnest. Coincidence?

And perhaps, by pure coincidence, Dorian Gray mentioned that the ninth of November is the 'eve of his own thirty-eighth birthday'. Yes, that's right. Just as I was wondering, that makes him an ever-powerful, ever-paranoid Scorpio. Another reason to love the story.

'Actual life was chaos, but there was something terribly logical in the imagination. It was the imagination that set remorse to dog the feet of sin. It was the imagination that made each crime bear its misshapen brood. In the common world of fact the wicked were not punished, nor the good rewarded. Success was given to the strong, failure thrust upon the weak. That was all.'

There is no such thing as an immoral action. In every action there is only the effectiveness and efficiency of Thought, Effort and Result. There are no such things as morals or ethics. Its just the possibility and magnitude of Action and Consequence. Every sinner bears the weight of his own Conscience, and every saint bears the weight of his own Cowardice.

And to end off, one of my favorite quotes:

'Examinations, sir, are pure humbug from beginning to end. If a man is a gentleman, he knows quite enough, and if he is not a gentleman, whatever he knows is bad for him.'

First of all, I am informed that a certain form teacher of ours is reading my blog. Somehow for some strange reason. HI MA'AM. :D. Welcome to Azazyl's Heartland!

Personally I'm the type of person who would gladly share his passions to other people, like lend people a book if they're interested in something I'm passionate in, or share some knowledge or whatever. So Mrs Tan if you wantss a stack of video CDs of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms (only purchasable in China) or a PS3 game of roughly the same thing, I shall gladly oblige, same offer to the rest of you humans!

I LOVE DORIAN GRAY. Its a wonderful book. Its such a delight to be able to read it again, but in less corroded and younger pages which I am not as allergic to. Its a brilliant story, such a pity I have to rush through it. For a certain Dreaded CRP.

*whips out trusty notebook*

Its so funny when people sometimes sing The National Anthem during morning assembly, then they can't help but yawn. So its something like.

'Maaaaaaaaaaa~rikitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ raaaaaaaa~yaaaaaa~'

I swear, its only a matter of time before The TCY makes the school sing The National Anthem again because they are "too soft".

On a side note, I think our FT's speech during the assembly thing was really inspiring. Felt so even before I knew she might be reading my blog. Yes, we really do have to treasure life as it is now, to thank life for every day we can wake up to the sun in our faces. I mean, my granddad has cancer, which is uncurable at this stage, and he still buys KFC (irony) and visits us a lot. Not to mention his sad past, regarding his kindness being taken advantage of by friends and thus being scolded by my grandma for not making enough money. Up to this day, the moment my granddad enters a room, my grandma immediately walks out of it.

Tragic, innit?

But here's a thought to consider before I go.

I heard this during SS class (yes, some of us actually listen!), 'twas just a passing comment but it just kinda clicked. Something along the lines of. The UN treats every life as a statistic, that makes them less.. human?

Why 'human'? Is that word the very incarnate of ultimate benevolence and geniality? Why would a rare act of graciousness on the less fortunate be 'humanitarian', while the more common choice would be considered 'inhuman'? And why is the very best of our tenderness called 'the milk of human kindness'? Perhaps we can define 'human' as an ideal, a moral guideline with the same basis as 'utopia', as previously discussed. Non-existent, but the idea's there. But the point is.

Why is being 'human' portrayed as being morally perfect; like a model answer and example, benignity-wise of course; like, if I may be given permission as a free thinker, all-mighty, all-perfect God? Why do we still use the term for ourselves as a symbol of niceness when constant experiments of circumstance have repeatedly proven otherwise?

I debate not the situation of mankind's rapidly declining level of moral values, but the inapproprate expression of sheer arrogance in the usage of the adjective. I mean, really. Its quite saddening. At least one thing still proves satisfactory:

'To err is human,

Before I begin, one of my favorite songs, by Breaking Benjamin:



Okay, AEP today was cancelled to my dismay, for I was more than prepared with a smile and puppy-dog eyes to prove to the dear AEP teachers that I deserve the marks that I probably won't be getting at the end of the year. But its okay, I went to see a doctor. It seems that both my kneecaps were fractured when I fell last Tuesday and that I need to have it operated on before it dislocates and bursts a major blood vessel, rendering my lower body completely immovable.

No I'm kidding, but I do need a bandage and an MC.

Before I begin, I quote:

"Math is better than sex!"

You know who you are, you had been warned that your quote will be entered, and NO ONE ESCAPES. *cue evil laugh voiceover*

Temporarily putting aside the fact that I have to buy a new calculator, I am starting to think that the SS movie No Man's Land can actually be classified as a dark comedy. I mean, seriously. The cruelly sarcastic tone is far too alike to the other example I watched, Burn After Reading. Lots of people die after their witty moments, then in the end its just some stupid ending that makes you feel like you listened to one of Pei Yi's jokes. Speaking of which, here's one!

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.

What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs.

Of course, nothing should be attributed to Pei Yi, so we shall just give credit to the wonders of the Internet. Somehow, somewhere out there, there's another twisted individual as one-legged as Pei Yi, and for the sake of the world, we must prevent these two from ever crossing paths.

And if I may quote a Literature group, with reference to the research done on a certain Victorian era, today:

"Its shown that the average woman has 5.5 children."

Putting that aside, I just realized something today. People don't go about life looking for love. They go about life looking for happiness, and most of them find it in love. At one point or another.

Hmm, I think I realized that while reading through the book of Politically Correct Holiday Stories for Christmas. The bit about Scrooge. As well as Rudolf the Nasally Empowered Reindeer who led his persuns/fellows against Santa's oppressive rule, or Frosty the Snowman who actively campaigned against global warming before his squishy demise.



Argh.

回忆里想起模糊的小时候
云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时的你说　要和我手牵手
一起走到时间的尽头

从此以后我都不敢抬头看
彷佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起　我忘记了呼吸
眼泪啊永远不再　不再哭泣

我们的爱　过了就不再回来
直到现在　我还默默的等待
我们的爱　我明白　已变成你的负担
只是永远　我都放不开　最后的温暖　你给的温暖

不要再问你是否爱我　现在我想要自由天空
远离开这被困绑的世界　不再寂寞



Started to wonder, if you lie about something good, is it still a lie? Then why would the reaction be so different from otherwise?

Was called an immoral bastard today, would like to make the stand that I am merely amoral, kthnx bai.

Ah yes, if I may quote Jiheng once again!

"Okay. Give me pp."

And another clarification regarding how I measure my sugar intake. Admittedly, morning tea always sees me holding a small teaspoon then pouring sugar well over its supposed amount, until after I see a significant change in tea level before I plop the helpless, oppressed spoon into the cup. And then,

Mom: ..how many teaspoons of sugar did you add this time?
Me: Um. One.

Hopefully that would clarify certain allegations regarding my weight, which reached a staggering high of 50++ kilograms recently. *screams bloody murder*

Meet Jo! I didn't give the name but we saved it from a terrible owner so.


He's a Japanese Spitz. Which reminds me. I think my mother wants to sterilize him. Seriously. She explained that the dog license is more than two times cheaper, about the random impregnation problem as well as the evil bitey personality problem. But I don't want to sterilize him. Like, really. Its like castrating your kid just because he/she cries too much. Except maybe dogs don't get married and go to sexuality education classes. But its still terribly cruel. But. What to do.

Sighs.

So much yet so little is happening.

Liberta - Pep's.



Tu sais qu'il y a un bateau qui mène au pays des rêves
Là où il fait chaud, où le ciel n'a pas son pareil
Tu sais qu'au bout d' cette terre
Oh oui les gens sèment
Des milliers d'graines de joie où pousse ici la haine
On m'avait dit p'tit gars
Là-bas on t'enlève tes chaînes
On te donne une vie
Sans t'jeter dans l'arène
Comme ici tout petit après neuf mois à peine
On te plonge dans une vie où tu perds vite haleine
Alors sans hésiter
J'ai sauté dans la mer
Pour rejoindre ce vaisseau
Et voir enfin cette terre
Là-bas trop de lumière
J'ai dû fermer les yeux
Mais rien que les odeurs
Remplissaient tous mes voeux

{Refrain:}
I just wanna be free in this way
Just wanna be free in my world
Vivere per libertà
Vivere nella libertà

Alors une petite fille aussi belle que nature
Me prit par la main et m'dit : "Suis cette aventure"
On disait même, oh oui que la mer l'enviait
Que la montagne se courbait pour la laisser passer
Elle m'emmena au loin avec une douceur sans fin
Et ses bouclettes dorées dégageaient ce parfum
Qui depuis des années guidait ce chemin
Ton chemin, mon chemin, le chemin

{au Refrain, x2}

Pour arriver enfin à ces rêves d'enfants
Qui n'ont pas de limites comme on a maintenant
J'ai vu des dauphins nager dans un ciel de coton
Où des fleurs volaient caressant l'horizon
J'ai vu des arbres pousser remplaçant les gratte-ciels
J'ai vu au fond de l'eau une nuée d'hirondelles

{au Refrain}

Why I didn't post yesterday: MAHJONG.

Yesterday got a few people over to play everyone's favorite game. Even though half of them had no idea how to play. But its okay. THEY LEARN. Except Tan Wei Xuan of course. And Lock Leong took the plastic bag from 7-11. For two bottled drinks. HOW COULD YOU.

Hmm okay, before I forget, congratulations to all the people who got into the RIGE SYF 1st round trials! *clap clap* Except for Ted, Tey and that other guy. Especially Niccol and Wei Xuan who were really bitching about probably not getting in for the three hours before the practice. Congratulations! Turn up for practice on Monday because I have to brief you people after Delwyn briefed moi.

On a side note, Kwun Tong showed me these two videos here. Simply hilarious, and for a lack of better words, SKILL. Remind you of a certain teacher in RI? *hint hint*





My knee still hurts like crap. Its been so many days but I still walk with a limp. And my dog just bit my hand so its bleeding like crap. And I'm supposed to go for fencing later at 6. SHIZZAM.

Ugh, I've just finished watching all the movies I have on my computer, leaving me with completely nothing left to do. Perhaps I'll revisit a few of the 20th century computer games. Like Pacman. Or throw my saga seeds into the pond again.

Edit: WIN.

Azazyl

Stench of humanity,
The rot of those fair.
Despair!
Of lost sanity and
Dreams never there.