Day 18:

I've finally realized what I'm here in this place for. To reflect, think and make myself a better person, whatever the future. I've realized that.

If one really desires something, one should fight for it.

One's feelings for another will not truly be known unless personally expressed.

If one thinks he has everything to lose, he will falter and hesitate in hopes of keeping it as it is, but by doing so he will lose everything.

"You know how when you're listening to music playing from another room? And you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love? When a door closes or a train passes so you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway... then, no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again you're still in exact same time with it. That's what it's like."

"It probably only takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."

I will never, ever forget that someone.

I promise.

Day 17:

Expansion is going faster than usual. Proper claywork and bricks are underway, small settlement being created around my base. Barricade remade and reinforced, settlement-wide shelter, clean water well, berry harvesting, advancements in hunting and weaponry, and most importantly, clothing.

Don't really have much time recently, troublesome things keep popping up.

Day 16:

Day 15 was, once again, chewed off my a bunch of hungry rabbits. Irritating little rascals. They're like rats. Just. Bigger and more crazy.

Well, after putting together a few strips of wood and a bunch of wheels, I now have a very pretty and convenient way of transport. Overlooking the harvesting villagers as I wheeled about in my newfound contraption has never felt more fun. Ah yes, I have organized them in groups and sent them to harvest, scout-search, as well as construct more advanced and intelligent structures, although it isn't going very well. I swear, there came a point where I had to demonstrate by painstakingly building a wooden frame of a house, only to have them understand, knock it down, and build it up again, much to my exasperated dismay.

I had seen a pillar of what appeared to be smoke in the distance yesterday, presumably a ship of sorts. Perhaps they can spare us some mater- wait. That.. smell. The scent that. Only the most beautiful of nights could ever possibly provide me.

Where. Where? I must find it.

Storyline aside, tried getting to Changi Airport twice. First was at around 2 to see 2 OIP groups back, went to City Hall, didn't notice CHANGI AIRPORT MRT there, then settled on being lost and gave up and went home.

And then, running around Changi Airport at the brink of midnight is practically suicide. Its probably some record to be able to run from Terminal 1 to Terminal 2 to Terminal 3 and reverse in less than half an hour, including frantic searching and all. Stupid. Contradicting pieces of information that got me running back and forth, sweaty and still tired from archery. It always has to be like this. Always. I just want to do something, but it always blows back and makes me look like a complete idiot.

Exhausted. Sleep.

Day 14:

Used the creature's head and skin to make myself a cool looking outfit, something like Heracles and that lion he always wears. Stored the bones and other useful parts in a separate caché, when went searching for survivors today.

Found a few in a cave some distance away, evidently shaken if not mentally traumatized. It must have been the costume, coz when they saw me, they immediately knelt and bowed as if they had seen a god. Which is kinda cool. Gave them some of the fruit and berries I had brought with me, then let them rest a while before we continued searching for the other village people. In total, today's search yielded six in the cave, three hiding elsewhere and two unconscious. When I guided them to my base, they were more or less awestruck. Left them to recuperate and explore while I went to fetch water. Will continue searching tomorrow.

Day 13:

After more basic construction work at my base, decided to go check on the villagers. Gun was unstable and could backfire, so brought the bow the villagers presented to me way back, along with a few self-made arrows.

Lo and behold, hiding amidst the forest a distance away, I held before my eyes a freak of nature, a monstrosity so hideous beyond words that even Medusa could be put to shame, standing amidst a ruined village and rotting corpses, three of which it held in each of its three mouths, grotesquely chewing on dismembered torsos.

Without hesitation I picked up my bow, cocked the arrow. Pull. Lift. Draw. Release. A clear miss. evidently I was not used to conditions such as strong winds, agonizingly bright sunshine and thick clothing. Pull. Lift. Draw. Release. I'd rather it missed, for it struck its finger and it whirred around, its forked tongue lashing out doses of concentrated bacteria. Pull. Lift. Draw. Release. And so my arrows flew here and there, a majority smashing into the beast's thick crusty skin, but still it would not stop its slow but steady advance.

I reached for the quiver. My heart skipped a beat. I drew the lone arrow that stood firm and true, and I holstered it onto the bow. Pull. The demons of Erebus beckoned from the monster's reddened, glistening jaws. Lift. Eyes burning red, it hurtled forward at such sound and speed, the ground shook beneath my feet. Draw. Branches snapped. Thunder roared. Death itself brandished its scythe, flinging itself meters at a time with godspeed. Thirty meters. Twenty now. Ten. And then I saw a familiar face. It smiled at me. And I remembered a name. I smiled back.

Release.

Well, as if by sheer stroke of luck, the last arrow flew to the bullseye, winning the battle and killing the tension along with it. Searched all of the houses, but no living person to be found. Reluctantly made several trips to and fro from the devastated village to salvage supplies and materials, as well as dragged the carcass back to base for further study. Presence of reproductive organs would be very, very bad news for survivors. Will look for them in the morning. (the survivors, I mean.)

Day 12:

Went on an island-wide trek with a few surviving coconut friends, wasted a whole lot of time trying to read my incomprehensible map to non-existent places. Drank contaminated water and found food not to my liking, and by the time it was horribly late at night I was all sweaty and tired. Note to self: condition is acting up dramatically after running out of medication. Must find alternative method of suppressing mental discrepancies or risk self-initiated elimination of relatively non-existent social life.

During island-wide trek, found two barrels of what smells like gunpowder and a damaged gun, among other things like broken instruments, basic necessities, a few raw materials, slightly torn books, and even a perfectly unscathed disk drive. Will try to fix all these, if not put to better use. As for the gun, I'm attempting to assemble it; doesn't really look beyond hope.

Haven't heard anything from the village. Not a person, not a verse of tribal music, not a word. Will go and check it out during archery competition scheduled tomorrow. Hopefully they didn't postpone it again.

Day 11:

Was experimenting with the poisons I had collected from various little animals on the island when I stumbled, sample in hand, and contaminated the growing beansprouts. Roots started to turn brown and gave off a foul, rotting odor, so I buried the patch as a failed harvest. Will try to salvage some beans after the smell goes away.

Haven't heard from the village people for quite some time. Normally there's loud drum beats and the lot, but these two days have been quiet enough for me to actually concentrate on what I am doing. Not that I don't like the melody of the evening forests, but I am starting to get a bit worried that something had happened to the village. Maybe they migrated to greener pastures. Selfish bastards.

Every time I think of you, I just abruptly lose all my strength. I drop whatever I'm doing, my hands fall limp beside me, and I collapse to the ground if I'm standing, which happened more than once. I just. Lost all my strength and will to carry on.

Have you ever wondered that maybe, just maybe, everything I did was to get your attention? That I wrote terrible words because I wanted you to say something. That I spite-ed you because I really wanted you to look at me.

Sigh.

Day 10:

Yesterday I caught a few rabbits nibbling away the page for Day 9. Although the page is officially lost, I had rabbit stew for dinner and settled with the fact that nothing much happened yesterday anyway.

Its raining now, good thing I set up the shelter out of palm leaves, otherwise I'd be soaked. The whole elevated base thing paid off too, It kinda feels like I'm on an island on and island now that the rain has flooded most of the bigger island. If I kept really really quiet, and concentrated carefully, I swear I can hear desperate splashing of water, as well as the village people's frantic screams for assistance. I wonder if there are crocodiles or piranhas on this island.

Well, built a wooden fence with a three meter radius around my base camp yesterday, as well as placed spikes and torches to ward off snakes and other wild animals. Moved the caché to within this enclosure; can't risk any more rabbits.

Day 8:

The archery competition was canceled due to bad weather, and they left the gear there before returning to the village, so I couldn't use or borrow any of it today. I need.. to shoot.. arrows..

And then the villagers threatened me at spearpoint to attend some stupid course on how to manage one's resources. Apparently they just perfected the formula so they want me to review it. So I wasted eight, no. Nine hours glaring menacingly and rotting inside amidst the chilling rain without protection. I swear the villagers are starting to get radically smarter. This might bode well for me, unless they reinvent the wheel that I invented. Then I will introduce lawsuits and copyright.

Green beans are germinating quite nicely, tallest one around six, seven inches? I think I should have spaced them out though. They look so. Squeezed. Designed a mini-draining system by digging out little trenches for water flow. Going to fetch another bucket of water from the dam so I can put it to the test.

Day 7:

Surprise surprise. Received word from the herald that the village was having a sword-fighting tournament and was made to grumpily oblige, made me completely exhausted and unable to complete the map I have been trying to complete for days now.

Today's quiet day, so besides making a small clearing where I dug out my new makeshift, more protected caché, really didn't make a lot of progress in terms of building up my base. I did, however, reinvent the wheel. Which was kinda cool.

Today I had a new thought, which kinda came to me while I was suffering due to those terrible wildberries. In reality, our bodies are separate from our minds. This kinda coincided with a talk I attended months ago where the speaker mentioned that professors "look upon their body as a mode of transport for their heads". I mean, really, they're different. Perhaps when you're dehydrated. Do you know the levels of water in your body? No, but the body tells the mind via signs such as cracking lips. Then the mind commands the body to drink water. If you're leading an unhealthy lifestyle, do you know how critical your unhealthy-ness is? No, but the body tells the mind by falling sick. Then your mind notices this and commands your body to do something about it. If you have cancer or pneumonia, you don't know it. The body keeps it from you until it really can't, then signs start to show. Right now, every one of us don't fully know or understand our own bodies, their needs or their ailments. We don't know the body, it functions as a separate. Thing. We are not us. Its like.. people and government. Managers and employees. To think I had a notion about "'we' are all essentially only that little squishy organ in our heads" years ago, but only made sense of it now. On this stupid island. Oh well.

Day 6:

Having a terrible headache, vomitish as well. Reflection in water was pale, so I'm definitely sick. Might have been those wildberries I picked earlier, or I'm pregnant. Again. But the beans I planted a couple of days ago have germinated, and I have set up an enclosure around it to prevent caterpillars from intruding. Which brings the question: just how do green beans reproduce!? The sprouts usually don't even reach over a few inches in height! Will observe to see if this is only apparent in elementary school Science projects.

Due to pure insolence of the village elders, the archery competition has been postponed for seven days. What a disappointment, actually looked forward to it the entire week.

Built a mini-dam over a small stream, barely two feet wide and one foot deep. Its so much easier than building a well, for goodness sake. Weather's been fine; dark clouds looming overhead all day, violent winds and chilling temperatures, but not a sign of rain. 'Tis a good thing; my clay's still drying.

Day 5:

I have doodled a map of a large portion of the island, and located water sources, fruit sources as well as places-I-would-prefer-never-to-visit-ever-again. There is a clay source nearby so I got a few handfuls, and am starting to build up my base at a small grassy, shaded corner on high ground. Going to try building a well tomorrow.

Found a few books nearby. Really, do these things drop from the sky? A ship can't possibly leave things this much into the island, so it has to be a plane. But if its so big, why is it so difficult to find? Anyway, while I was waiting for the clay to dry, started reading about mythology. Zeus is a bastard.

Oh, lightning storm looming overhead, I'd better find a few leaves to protect my clay.

Day 4:

I have come across a tribe of people! At last, a trace of sentinent beings on this island. They do not want me to join their tribe, but I'm perfectly fine with that. They have, however, introduced me to vessels capable of producing sound. Magical. I will be practicing with them in order to learn this art. They have also invited me to an archery competition in two days time. Even though I prefer the hunting method, I'm not doubtful I'll score at least one bullseye.

Asked them about the wreckage, they seemed to have no clue; they seldom venture out of their safety zone. I wonder what other creatures live on this island. Nevertheless, this proves to be a good thing, at least I'll have all the spoils to myself. Considering I found a packet of beans earlier today (which I have started planting at my makeshift base), I must be getting close.

Day 3.

Kenny and his friends revolted. The mutinous bastards. They said they didn't like the way I was cutting down trees for my fires. I killed them and cut them open, then drank their juices. Victory never tasted sweeter. He was starting to get a little husky. Cut down all the coconut trees I could find so I could prevent his sons from planning revenge.

There's almost nothing to eat around here. Anything I can find is either inedible, or barely edible. However, I did collect a the coconuts and kept them in a makeshift store I dug yesterday. I found a packet of grape seeds nearby, appears to be man-made. This means there may be other salvageable goods in the area, or maybe even better, survivors! But that aside, I planted the grape seeds in the ground, hopefully they will bear fruit that aren't as mutinous as coconuts.

Day 2.

Today is the second day I'm stuck here on this godforsaken spit of land, and I still have not found another sentinent being whom I can make contact with. The goings are tough, but I'll survive.

I found Kenny today. Even though he's always smiling and he doesn't talk much, he's a good companion to have around, especially when there's no one else around. He keeps falling over, so I made him a little pole for him to rest on. I think he likes it.

I had a little walk around the island and realized it isn't really as big as I had thought. Built little fires at every junction. Hopefully someone will see them and rescue me soon.

I am going to try hunting wild animals with a compromised bow and arrows, so I will end this journal here.

I don't need you.
Of course you do! Where would you be without me. I'm your internal editor. Your mindset reviewer. Your-
No, I don't need you. All you do is make me lie and hide the truth.
I don't. I merely prevent you from doing anything stupid.
You'll never know until you try.
You need me. Without me as a shield and such, your heart will be left open and vulnerable-
Well, at least it will see the sunshine.
You can't afford that, you know it from experience.
Then I will die trying.
I cannot allow th-
This milk smells like zebra poop.
I don-
Shush.
See, yo-
Shush.
WHA-
ZIP.
..bastard.

And when I've finally said what needed to be said, its too late..

But this is the only time in my life I've finally stood up for something I've felt from the bottom of my heart.

I must.

Cancel previous post, LJ uncooperative.

http://ikusa93.livejournal.com

For prevention of parental guidance.

Before I begin everehting.



As the more proactive readers might have noticed, I, in fact, have added a little section on the left side of this page to remind myself what I have to, one way or another, force myself to do during the long "break". This list includes the learning of the Scottish accent, which the above video has amusing reference and help regarding the topic in question.

Pardon my lack of posts recently but I have been suffering from whatever illness might have befallen me. You know you're severely under-rested if you want to go to sleep.

Just got back from some art exhibition where my Joy work has been printed and exhibited. I shant display it here due to its huge size, well over more than a few megabytes, hence here's a link you all can go to see it along with other things.

http://azazelix.deviantart.com/

On a somewhat related note, everyone please join this game. It gets pretty lonely when all the people you get to talk to speak with terribly broken English.

http://lord.webmmo.com/

(To people who do want to play, the tutorial appears when you click the fairy on the right and wait for a while.)

As can be inferred, I am not taking part in NaNoWriMo this year, neither did I do so last year, but I did when first introduced to it in 2006. Why? Simply because of my busy holiday schedule.

..

Oh who am I kidding. I just can't be bothered to drag my ass to the kitchen downstairs to get enough coffee for my muse to wake up from a century-long nap.

In fact, I will refuse to go to RIGE practices during the November holidays. Most of the practices anyway. Starting TODAY. Yes EXCO, if you can see me, I shant be going tomorrow not only because my raccoon has once again found its way to the toilet bowl, a coconut has dislodged my shoulder, my pink pony ran amok, and I haven't tabbed the SYF piece for personal convenience.

Seriously, I'm hopeless at sight reading. But I can play any tabbed score you throw at me. But the above paragraph goes to show how much I am used to running away from the slightest hinderance in completion whatsoever.

Back to the point, if there was any to start with.

Oh nevermind, there isn't a point to anything in this world anymore. I just lost sight of hope some time ago. Somehow.

Sigh.

I'm not even sure of what I'm fighting for anymore. It really hurts.

I sat down.
I looked up.
You came in.
You gently scratched my hair.
Then you withdrew your hand.
I grabbed it.
I pulled.
And I hugged you so tightly you gasped and couldn't breathe, but you didn't complain.
And everyone around was smiling, because it was okay.
And we were both smiling, because it was all okay.

I asked, is this a dream?
You didn't say anything.
I bit myself.
I couldn't tell if it hurt.
I said, I don't want this dream to end.
You said, me neither.
You snuggled close.
I hugged so tightly.

I blinked.

--To whomever it may concern.

Now, you seem to think you have a crystal clear interpretation of the situation, but you don't. If I may confess, the whole thing was covering a little test. Temporarily ignoring the disappointing results, perhaps my humanity suddenly comes into question when I mention its very existence, and yes, it does. I test everyone every so often, some of you might probably remember whatever scars I might have left behind, this trend with the exception of one particular pers- But only so as to strengthen any friendship after storms. You may hate me for it, but I'm already quite used to being hated so I probably don't really care.

Back to the point, I would like to casually mention myself taking considerable. Insult, for the lack of a better word, for people assuming my nature. I'm not making any significant effort to laugh or do whatever. I like being in 3C for everything that its worth, and others might argue otherwise but, contrary to popular belief, as a meek counterargument, I don't have much of a life in contrast to many people. So there.

As a conclusion. No one should take fault or offense here, coz there isn't any, as much as it pains me to lose my truest friend to another misunderstanding. I apologize for whatever trauma slash depression slash scars slash negative repercussions slash loss of faith in mankind I may have caused, whatever. But every relationship between humans has their ups and downs, and even if its rock bottom, there is no permanent goodbye. So whatever, go hang out with whoever; I don't really care. I'm not angry or weighed down by this small argument and neither should you be. Take it as a little breather from however a forced, tiring and/or strained prolonged interaction with some crazy, immature bastard you find me to be.

May we soon meet on the next wind to port, but as friends. Till then, fair sails.

P.S. You might not read this, but heck.


(to anyone who doesn't completely understand what that was about, don't try, its an inside thing.)

---

Now time to start my post proper. But once more, before I beginz0r:



I have recently come to the conclusion that most of the readers on this blog is fueled by selective groups of people, them being

1. People who know about A and are
a) sympathetic
b) curious or
c) wanting to help.

2. People who think A refers to them.

3. People who DON'T know about A but want to stick around because it seems a nice story to write a book about.

-or blog surfers and people around the world who have nothing better to do than to listen to my rantings. But they're irrelevant. (oops sorry I didn't say that)

Rafflesian Spotlight was. Well. It really wasn't that interesting. Okay fine, it was boring and a waste of time. Greg did well lah, but RS as a whole was seriously super waste of time. We have the skits, the noise, seemingly endless intermissions and terrible planning. Not made better by depressing song choice and a terrible flu that made me want to puke. But temporarily ignoring that.

Well done Gregory! The piano was okay, but Antono sounded a little bit confined. As in Antono wasn't open enough, but overall he reached the right notes (unlike a certain not-too-popular participant), and did a great job. Kudos!

But more importantly, before that. Went to J8 and saw the Grim Reaper with the Scream mask so what was the first thing that popped into my mind? MY Scream mask. On my way back I wore it from 77th Street shop all the way back to RI (yes, down that long path, across the traffic junction and on the sidewalk populated by people who probably know me, during rush hour) before the security guard was evil. Ur hur. Scared Tey Guan when I was walking back.

Oh and another thing! I bought a toy gun a few days ago. Two. Or three. Its like, the type you find in Toys r' Us but that can actually shoot mini styrofoam plunger pellet thingums with an almost fully accurate gun anatomy (besides replacement of air with gunpowder) and shells and all. WELL I saw someone at Macs holding ONE RIFLE AND ONE SHOTGUN. (bright orange green yellow blue) SO THERE. I'm ahead of the curve, and my presumed retardedness is justified.

A ha, I'll continue posting later or tomorrow, I am watching Shaun of The Dead. Don't ask me how I got it, the Feds probably know where I live.

Azazyl

Stench of humanity,
The rot of those fair.
Despair!
Of lost sanity and
Dreams never there.