Sometimes I wonder if this is just a phase, me being kinda like one of those emos/goths I prefer to dissociate myself from. Just another teenage-bound, hormone-driven but ultimately passing sequence that I'll look back at and chuckle to myself about.

Yes, sometimes I wonder if, in a few years, I'll have had a completely different mindset, one that does not, even in the slightest bit, encompass nihilism, or existentialism, or solipsism, or any other self-destructive notions that would result in me drowning in my own agony and self-pity.

But what if I don't? What if mindsets really are, quintessentially, formed from youth, firmly ingrained into impressionable trains of thought, infecting them like a cancer that only grows with age? What if this is the best it's gonna be? What if, already, I'm struggling to keep my head above the water that is the abyss of nihilism?

Perhaps sometime soon, I'll have found enough hope in humanity to convince me that the world is worth giving a shit about. Perhaps I'll have, from the most deluded recesses of my mind, conjured a seemingly sufficiently sustainable, yet suffocatingly superfluous purpose of which its superficial grandeur would be absolutely essential in motivating a meek, weary soul. Perhaps I'll have experienced an epiphany, an enlightenment, even, that would short-circuit a bitter, resentful and heartless front and trigger a then (then-ly, now) alien sense of compassion and emotion; a catharsis, not as much the shattering of the glass as it is the abrupt realisation, rediscovery of pain on one's fist.

Tough luck.

I don't even want to wake up any more. What use is emotion? compassion? morality? Of what purpose could these horrid, horrid curses possibly serve other than to befuddle, to bewitch and to ultimately betray? What is it to live for such transient, differentiated and utterly useless goals?

Yet, if I rejoined the creed that is society, I'd think differently. Then who is right? And who is to judge? I say all of society is a self-centered, self-imposed delusion, you may think differently. You may think that communal society is created, and sustained, out of more than a fear of chaos. You may think that all desire for power, greatness and ambition are outliers, exceptions to the human rule. You may believe that humans inherently, and genuinely, care for other humans.

I don't.

Who's to judge?

For me, no one.

We only, truly see how alone we are when surrounded by people.

Azazyl

Stench of humanity,
The rot of those fair.
Despair!
Of lost sanity and
Dreams never there.