Wednesday, December 9, 2009 @11:01 AM
Like the Cullens, my blog has come back from the dead for a short while for a meaningful purpose.
NEW MOON IS A F@*&ING WASTE OF TIME.
Even when we TRIED to entertain ourselves by throwing popcorn throughout the show and making inappropriate comments during awkward scenes (CEDRIC'S ALIVE!), we reached a consensus. (see above paragraph for more details)
Bella, quit your moping. I don't know how anyone but erratic Edward and boisterous Black could give a SH!^ about how freaking useless you are. Riding a bike? Go ahead, don't forget to ACCIDENTALLY set the gas tank on fire. Going cliff diving? Go ahead, please keep in mind to ACCIDENTALLY hit a rock on your way down. "Let's have a vote whether Ms Swan should be a vampior!" KILL 'ER FOR F@*&'S SAKE. "You can't hurt each other without hurting
me!" WHO GIVES A SH!^.
Hi Edward! YOU'RE A PAWN. "Sorry Bella, I has to leaves you nao coz the last 4628 times you almost died in my arms almost gave me a heart atta- I mean, I don't care 'bout you no more. Go f@*& a dog." (which she promptly (almost) does.) Imma commit suicide by strippin' in front of a huge crowd! AND SPARKLING. *cue Jenny Owen's Hot In Here* Sparkling water is vampior blood. Every time you take a sip, Bella falls down once.
Jacob you COW. WHY. HOW would ANYONE fall for that female doofus. Only reason you're even marginally acceptable is coz Bella looks like a 50 year old sleep-deficient emo kid. "I'm not good." I bet Meyer made you say that to make Bella's low self esteem seem infectious.
AND WHAT'S WITH THE TENDENCY TO STRIP IN FRONT OF HER. HUH. VERY FUN MEH. *sparkle*
Personally, the only characters I like in the movie are Charlie and that Japanese dude (who promptly (guess what?) died of a heart attack.) And the Vampior Owners. The Voltutti or something. But that's only coz one of them (Michael Sheen) is one of my favourite actors (for playing my favourite Roman Emperor; WHY IS HE IN NEW MOON). Just look at their faces. Just look. How much are they even paid to take the film seriously enough NOT to burst out laughing at Bella's constant bumbling?
*Jane casts Crucio*
*Cedric writhes in pain, 'cept this time he doesn't die.*
Bella: KILL ME!
Me: KILL HER.
Oh good lord. The director's a guy.
This is exactly why film reviews haven't been too harsh on Twilight (in comparison to what they COULD'VE been). After two and a half hours of a 40 year old hag's wet dream, you'd be starting to wonder (if you can) how many brain cells you have left. Where has all the goodness in the world gone?
ALSO. This is EXACTLY what I was talking about in multiple previous posts. See where the world is going to? Remember when I mentioned the competition to create most absorbent tampon or something? This is like that. Countless teenage dimwits are sucked into the (fake) fantasy world of teenage sex and consumerism. All that money could be used (by now) to make some giant space ship or to sponsor researches in various sciences. What's Meyer gonna do? Increase the salaries of the monkeys stationed at her typewriters? Buy them more cocaine?
The thought of it is just so...
..disgusting.