Reader's demand, post it is.
Recently haven't been doing a lot. Spamming Spore (which is a nice game which I shall be lending to Weng Hong tomorrow) and trying to repay my sleep debt. I am failing at the latter; I'm seriously freaking tired yet I can't get myself to sleep. Though I literally dozed off during my first Number Theory lesson.
Which reminds me of the second period I had today, Lit. My DMP timetable today is as such:
Maths.
Two hour free period.
Half hour recess.
Two hour free period.
Forty minute lunch.
Literature.
Basically:
Maths.
Five hours free.
Literature.
Heck, here's the whole thing.
I must admit that I am not really one who enjoys blog surfing? Seriously. Perhaps an occasional glance here and there, but really not a fan, unless 1. there are super interesting things that are constant or 2. my presence there is recognized and appreciated.Which reflects another thing about my learning attitude. Like, I'll only learn the things that have a bit of change. Like archery, they keep moving the bloody target backwards? So I guess its kinda fun. Oh, I just got my bow last night. 36 pounds of string force. That's why I can hardly type now.
Ah, back to the point. I don't like things like. Routine. Maybe that's why I'm losing interest in fencing. We are practicing the same positions over and over again day after day. And table tennis last time too. Same thing over and over again. Sure, it improves our overall skill, but why not progress a bit faster?
Ben Yen (someone you people probably don't know) recently brought up a certain someone he knows is completely screwing up her life. Something along the lines of not taking anything seriously, acting like a kid. At that time I admit I was Bandwagoning, giving him advice on how to advise her but.
I'm like that too.
I mean, hey. I know I'm screwing up my life so far. Taking exams lightly, passing life as it is, arguing with my parents, everything. But y'know what? I don't care. I don't see why I have to act like so and so in front of so and so. Why I have to force a smile and look away when deep inside I'm beating "Just bloody go over there and do something. Anything. Stammer. Stare sheepishly. Anything."
Why are there so many problems in the world. So many dilemmas. So many restrictions. So much pressure. Where were the days when not a thought was thought. When not an action was thought twice. When all there were were smiles and uncaring attitudes.
Its not fair.
What if I died. Who would cry for me. What would happen if, really, I suddenly left this place for good. I wonder what'd happen. I can run away. Everyone else's problems or dilemmas will all be solved. Some people might vaguely remember who I was to them, and perhaps just the knowledge that I am thought of is enough. There will be no "love" or "hate", or "emotions" nor "thought".
Best now, and leave it as the child who had everything, and lost it all.
And stay a child forever.
//stars, hide your fires.
let light not see my deep and dark desires.//